Tuesday, November 22, 2011

thankful schmankful

i know i'm supposed to be grateful,

and really, i am...

for so many things and people and mercies.

but lately i've been having a really hard time

with this endless loop of pain and sickness

and difficulties —

which has put me in a black mood.

the last two days, especially,

i've been feeling angry

and hateful

and like i just want to shut myself into a padded room somewhere

and scream until i can't scream anymore.

i'm sorry if this makes you sad on thanksgiving.

i have a happier post of things i'm grateful for,

which i'll post directly after this.

but somehow these two me's are existing in the same fragile body, right now,

and i just couldn't post the good

without the bad and the ugly.

it didn't seem honest.

somebody tell me a stupid joke. gallows humor cheerfully accepted.

anybody?


21 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I shall join you in the padded room. I had the EXACT same thought today, myself. I am sorry for your pain. While I don't know your pain, I am filled with empathy for your suffering. Perhaps we can go somewhere and SCREAM our gratitude? :)

Can do mom said...

I've been thinking about the thorn in the flesh lately. While my pain is not physical, I am suffering too. I've prayed and prayed for many years and so far, the thorn hasn't been removed. What if it's never removed? I don't know if I can bear it!

So, do I fear what could be or do I trust in God? I don't have any easy answers. There aren't any. Suffering is a part of this life, there's no getting around it.

Okay, I realize that my comment is not at all uplifting. I'm sorry! So, here's my joke for you:

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Peach!
Peach, who?
Peach lemonade!

That is an original joke made up by my son about seven years ago when he was three or four years old. He would tell us that same joke over and over again and laugh uproariously every single time. It makes me smile to think of it.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with blessings, peace and comfort.

Leslie said...

elizabeth - i'm reserving two adjoining padded rooms. and i like the idea of screaming gratitude ;)

can do mom - your comment IS uplifting. just to have someone come alongside you and say, "i can relate. and i'm so sorry you are hurting," means more than you know. (and i loved your son's joke :)

Catfish Tales said...

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall , he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door- frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself al ready in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven ? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he lift this world a happy man ? Mustering one great final effort , he threw himself towards the table landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was al ready in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife........... Buzz off ,, she said , they, re for the funeral.

Leslie said...

Ah, Catfish Tales, the Irishwoman in me thanks you for this lovely bit of blarney...

LauraX said...

we all have days like this, sometimes weeks and months and years...but even in the midst of dark times light emerges, maybe just enough to fill the space beneath a door. Still, it is important to release the anger, the disappointment, to let it out rather than hold it in...then we can allow that light to reenter our hearts. I'm sorry that you are suffering right now my friend. Sending you love from chilly NH.

Leslie said...

sending you love back, laura ♥

rebecca said...

are you sure about gallows humor?
here goes, but only because you asked and it happened on thanksgiving, enough years ago that anyone with an overbearing mother in law might appreciate....

thanksgiving.
my home. a large table with family and friends all around. suddenly the phone rings. i would normally not respond to a phone but i had a nagging feeling.

it was my aunt mary in Tennessee.
she was chocked with emotion and told me to let the family know that her mother, my grandmother had past away that morning.

as i returned to the table with the news of my grandmother's passing, my mother, who was never accepted by her mother in law, who was over bearing and lived to be a thorn in her side for 102 years!,
said under her breath, "that is just like her to spoil a good holiday!"

maybe you had to be there, or know my mother to appreciate her scorn.
but i think of her every time i hear the words, only the good die young!

Leslie said...

hehehe, thanks, rebecca, i'd say that was "gallows humor," for sure ;)

S. Etole said...

Leslie ... I suppose it's not appropriate but I found myself chuckling by the time I had read through these comments.

I do want you to know I understand the need for padded rooms and even baseball bats! I do so pray you will experience release from this pain and feel the Lord's presence as you wait on Him.

Rick said...

Your pain came through your blog, Leslie. May God hear your cry give you relief.

Here's a bit o' humor that might make you smile ...

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

Emily said...

I don't know any good jokes. And my timing is always off. So, here you go instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0beNMBv7g-w

Emily said...

oh and this. i think someone else knows how you feel:

checkit

♥ w o o l f ♥ said...

that's yin and yang for you, even if you want to give them a good kick in the --.
n♥

Leslie said...

susan, i'm glad you chuckled. humor is one of the graces that keeps us out of those padded rooms!

rick, thanks! i had a nice laugh over that joke ;)

and emily, what can i say? the "jello" scene from "3rd rock from the sun," along with a GREAT calvin and hobbes commentary on life. golden.

and woolf, ahem, YES. wish i could kick this illness into some sort of submission!

Noelle Renee said...

Sweetie,
I am sorry that you are in such pain. I don't know what its like even though I have been experiencing a little myself lately; chronic pain like yours is so different. But I do know that your spirit is strong, your heart large enough to embrace the world and your soul drenched with light ten times brighter than the sun because otherwise you could not be the surviving diamond you are in God's precious jewel box. I ask that the One who is Love and Compassion renew your hope, heal and ease your pain and give you the strength and the joy for living that allows you to move forward. May nothing but lovingkindness come your way.
xoxox,
Noelle

Leslie said...

noelle, thank you so much for your words and your prayer of compassion.

Debbie D. said...

If you wind up in a padded room environment, remember this trick...


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the rules were that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."


(I would have used the bucket...yikes!")


Prayers going your way... I never thought of a padded room to scream my hurts away, but I did get a punching bag to hang in my garage :)

Leslie said...

lol debbie - i would have used the bucket, too!

Francesca said...

I'm really sorry to read that you're having such a hard time - I hope that writing about it, and not bottling it up, helps a little.

Deborah Carr said...

I'm so sorry that you're not well...and so very sorry I've missed this. My pained heart to your heart, Leslie.