Wednesday, May 9, 2012

and this is faith, too...

i am far from You.
a distance of drift,
of neglect, of
the fog of illness and
the tug of life —
of the mystery of
Your silence
and my regret.

it is a feeling,
not so much of anger
or rebellion, as
of a gentle fading,
a bewilderment,
a grasping for You
in the watches of the night
when there are no words
and sleep steals my prayers.

it is the distraction
of both joy and pain —
the insanity of life
and relationship, lived out
among the shifting sands
of chronic illness —
this unpredictable,
unforgiving,
intolerable
disease.

i don't know where i am with You.
i don't know where i am.
i don't know...
but i hope, still, in Your love for me,
i hope still, in that place You prepare,
where these tears will cease
and the great mystery of this life
of sorrows will burn away—
leaving only the burnished brightness
of a Love that was, all along,
holding onto me in the dark.

leslie young
©2012

20 comments:

Jodi said...

"of a Love that was, all along,
holding onto me in the dark" yes. Praying you will feel it in the now.

ayala said...

Hugs... Best wishes !

Elizabeth said...

Leslie, I don't know what you're going through right now, but please know that I'm thinking of you and sending healing thoughts. I think this prayer will help my mother as well who suffers from terrible back and chronic pain.

Debbie D. said...

"a grasping for You", the only place we can find our comfort

Loree said...

That is so beautiful Leslie. I can tell it comes straight from your heart. My prayers are with you.

Kay L. Davies said...

This is wonderful, Leslie.
Luv, K

Rachel said...

Praying for you Leslie.

Deborah Carr said...

Oh, what a beautiful way you have of expressing the inexpressible. Hearts must lift in recognition. A very wise lady sent me these words in my dark night...I pass them on to you, dear Leslie:

"If you had never been to the world and never known what a day was, you couldn't possibly imagine how the darkness breaks, how the mystery and color of a new day arrive. Light is incredibly generous." ~ John O'Donohue

Beth said...

". . . a gentle fading, bewilderment . . ."---yes, that's a 'spot on' or 'bull's eye' explanation of what we chronic illness sufferers feel. It's not anger--at least not for me--oh, once in awhile I get a bit angry, but it fades into bewilderment.

I try to stay away from the pity party of "Why me?" As one person once put it, "Why not me?" Going in that direction of questioning done in a righteous, hurt tone only seems to make me feel worse Yet the bewilderment---the mild fading of stronger emotions---yes that's what lingers.
Well said; beautifully said. I'm with you, sister.

Tracy said...

Love makes it all possible, love makes it bearable, love makes a tired body and mind keep going... Oh, I know... I know... :o) ((LOVE & BIG HUGS))

S. Etole said...

You have expressed this so beautifully ... prayers continue.

Chris said...

Hi Leslie, just stopping by to say how delightful your blog is. Thanks so much for sharing. I have recently found your blog and am now following you, and will visit often. Please stop by my blog and perhaps you would like to follow me also. Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Chris
http://chelencarter-retiredandlovingit.blogspot.ca/

becky said...

bewilderment. that's the heart of your chronic illness sufferings, as Beth also noticed. Such a heartfelt stack of words, Les. It must truly be bewildering to deal with MS, knowing that it will never go away and constantly waiting for the next event to take you down. Or up.
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, beautiful poetic friend.
Hugs, Becky

Leslie said...

Becky, although I do have a dear friend with MS, (and I think I've mentioned her to you before - hence the confusion) my own chronic illness is Adhesion Related Disorder. It does, indeed, bring with it a whole host of unpredictable symptoms. I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers, and your empathy.

In fact, I am lifted up by all the support I am so consistently offered, here in this little space where I dare to write about the darker side of my illness. You all could choose to be silent, but instead you take the time to leave a comment and lift me up. It means so much to me...

Ajax said...

wow. i'm here from 'a moon worn as if it had been a shell'. This is... well, something i wish to file away forever. My spirit's sentiments with breathtaking accuracy. This so resounds in me. Though, i'll submit some days i find the afflictions serve to reinforce my faith beyond what it might otherwise be (mine are fairly tolerable as far as chronic health conditions go, fortunately.) So, sheesh, thanks for sharing. Mighty powerful. And all the best to you, and peace, and strength, and understanding and relief.

Glenda said...

I do sense your faith and think of the quote I read recently that said that faith is not faith unless it's all we have left to lean on. I can't quote it exactly :) Isn't it wonderful to know that there is One who understands each emotion that an illness evokes in us. God bless you, Leslie!

♥ w o o l f ♥ said...

deep, les.
n♥

Nancy Franson said...

I love the way you both tell the truth and cling to hope. Especially when clinging through the pain. You breathe life into things like hope and faith, Leslie. Truly.

Ajax said...

I don't think my previous comment adequately related how exceptional i think this piece is. I really, really like it. Sorry for submitting my gobbledey gook out there and detracting from that. Faith is such a hard thing.

Francesca said...

Beautiful, moving, sad, true. Thinking of you Leslie.