It's been over a month since I posted here. I haven't had the heart, somehow, to put words and images together, at least in this form. Instagram, with its one photo, caption-or-don't-caption format, has been a less intimidating way for me to try to distill the droplets of goodness from each day - or maybe even to whine a bit, in a cool, hipster sort of way (although I'm not sure this 58-yr-old woman can really pull off a hipster vibe. Probably more of an aging hippie vibe, at best.) But today I am feeling sadder than sad, and wanting to remind myself that even now, even here, when I am sick and hurting and discouraged and generally walking around in the darkness that life has thrown my way lately, even here - there is light.
I know you all have been going through your days as well, and I'm hoping they've been good. I'm hoping that you've laughed more than you've cried, that you've breathed in the scent of crisp autumn air and witnessed the bluer than blue October skies and held hands with someone you loved while doing it. But I know the chances are good that a lot of you have suffered at least some degree of pain, this month. Some of you might be having a hard time breaking through the fog of heartbreak or illness or loss. Some of you, like me, might need a reminder that the light is still there, waiting for us.
So here are some images, to remind us both. That for an instant in time, captured with the click of a camera shutter, light existed. It shimmered. It danced. It burst forth with uncontained joy. And in that instant, the darkness was annihilated. So here's to those fleeting sparks of light. Here's to holding them forth, like lanterns in the dark. I'll swing mine, and you swing yours, and together we'll light each other's worlds, for a moment.
These past two months since our dear basenji dog died have been a bit lonely.
My husband put a bird feeder outside the front window to attract some new friends.
This is a Tufted Titmouse.
The sprightly little sparrows never fail to bring a smile :)
Especially when they're jostling for space on the feeder with the feisty Titmouse.
You wouldn't think this tiny gray bird was such a powerhouse, but I've seen him chase away birds three times his size! (Tufted Titmouse again.)
And this is a young Mockingbird contemplating his breakfast. His doting mother swooped in shortly after this photoshoot, to make sure he was keeping his energy up :)
As you may have noticed, I've been away from my blog for a bit, again. Health issues have been distracting me, and I've still got some tests to get through in the upcoming weeks. I've been discouraged. Yet looking through these photos I am reminded yet again of the beauty that surrounds us, even on the darkest days. I am grateful for eyes to see.
Grief makes everything so dark and confusing. Sometimes it feels as though I will never have a free and happy thought again. And then this morning it rained, and I took these photos:
Do you see it? The way the darkness brought out the texture and pattern in the light? This morning I'm holding onto that. And this, too:
“So don't be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don't know what work they are accomplishing within you?” ― Rainer Maria Rilke
As I sit here waiting for the vet to call with our dog's latest test results, and hoping he'll call before I have to leave for my own appointment, I'm thinking that May was a really forgettable month. Mostly it was a series of dealing with various health problems, both for me and my sweet basenji dog. Some of the problems are ongoing, the latest being that Lady somehow punctured her eye with a sharp object and now has a corneal ulcer in her left eye, which is not responding very well to treatment. She has ongoing kidney problems, her lungs are a bit sticky, and this past Wednesday she had her first seizure. It was scary. She had another mild seizure last night. She's almost 14 years old, and so far even with these problems she's been happy - but we're not sure what's going on now. We'll see what the vet says when he calls. Mostly that's what this month has been - waiting around. Here's a few snaps to prove it:
Naps are always a good idea.
So is sitting around in the back porch (until the mosquitoes find you.)
Managed to get a pixie cut in between naps.
Got some flowers for mother's day ❤
Moved a bit of furniture around. The dog did not approve.
We marked one year since Mom left us for heaven. She is still with us in so many ways.
Lady still loves her daily walk. She's a great believer in the restorative power of fresh air and exercise.
So that's the May recap. And with a new month, new hopes, right?